self-tanners

ok, i know i'm not the only one who's been lured into the self-tanning market, time after time. it started when i was young and i used something along the lines of "qt" (quick tan, for those of you young'uns!). it turned a person a certain orange color that was supposed to look like a suntan...we called people who used it continuously as "fake and bake." i tried it, same results. orange. nowadays, though, there have been so many improvements in skincare! so, for the past several years, i've been suckered into trying those stinkin' self-tanners again. after all, it's so much safer than getting a suntan the regular way, with the fear of uva/uvb rays, skin cancer risks, etc. so, on a target spree (yet again!) i purchased one of "real simple" magazine's #1 picks for self-tanners...name withheld. i followed the instructions to a "t" - once i held the bottle far enough away to read the itty-bitty writing on the label and also pulled out some reading glasses. then i hung out in my bathroom for about 30 minutes, waiting for my legs to dry and my tan to arrive! wahlah! it arrived allright; in the middle of church, i looked down and saw orange stripey lines all up and down my legs. my skirt only went to my knees, so i just tried to hide my legs the best i could while wearing a skirt...which is not hiding them at all. phooey! why do they say this works?? i'm guessing this all happened about 4 weeks ago.

i figured maybe it was just a bad batch of tanner. so last week i saw another "new" spray-on tanner which said "no drips!" (yes, target, ok?!) and fell victim once again. i wanted to wear a cute new white skirt and didn't want my legs to match the whiteness. of course, another point of concern was my crazy vein-ridden and bruised legs - a tan would hide them! so again i followed instructions only to look down at my lovely orange-striped legs, this time also marred by actual drip-lines too!! whew-hoo! what a sensation! guess my motto is - "get a real tan, trace!" or just stay white as a ghost. so much for trying!

oh, and another thing- it doesn't wash off. no scrubbing, exfoliating, wishing or praying makes it go away and turn back into a little (ah-hem - ok, not so little!) white leg with purple veins running to and fro. guess it's just time...and really, time is not always on my side, no matter what the song says. anyone know what type of tanner should i try next time?